This week has been filled with a lot of stress, a lot of frustration, and a lot of realizations.
I am completely scared for my new position. I think about whose shoes I have to fill and the job just seems impossible. No one seems to know what is going on enough to direct me as most are new to their positions, as well. But, I am excited. I do think that I can do a good job. I just hate feeling overwhelmed before anything even starts, it’s frustrating and disappointing. I’m trying to remind myself that I am no longer in my other position and that is difficult. I loved having a floor. I loved being that close to their level. Yet, now, I have a whole building. I am not on the same level but I do still feel like I can relate to their transition because I am experiencing my own.
Old memories have been preoccupying my mind lately. It is so hard. I do not want to remember the way things used to be. I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t things about the past that I miss. I do miss some things. I liked knowing my future. But, I was also afraid to go for the goals I truly wanted to obtain. Nonetheless, my goals have changed drastically. Just six months ago, I was planning on finished my 5th year, finding a job, getting married, and starting a family. Now, my plan is to finish my 5th year and go to law school. In my heart I know that it was always my dream. My life plan for me. Yet, I was afraid to admit it to myself before. Afraid that it wouldn’t be supported. Now, though, I am chasing after my goals. I have put myself first for the first time in a very long time.
Yes, I was always selfish, but I still never made a decision without having to consider someone else. I love this feeling. And, at the same time I hate it.
I want to feel secure. I want to feel safe. I want to stop worrying about the end. The end of the night when I have to go to bed alone. The end of the week when plans are no longer set. The end of a relationship, always waiting for it. I do wish things were different. Yet, I am happy right now more than I ever have been. I am just afraid of how things will turn out. I can’t stop thinking about the future. I do not want to plan my future. I just hate not knowing when this is going to end. Not that I want it to end. That’s the last thing I want. I just hate the unknown. I fear that I’m going to ruin this.
Should I give up to avoid hurting someone–hurting myself? Or, do I just hope for the best and pray that all the good will help me get through any of the bad? I just hate hurting people. I hate being hurt. I love where I am and I want to be happy here. I just feel like I have fallen too fast, moved too quickly into a relationship, what if I wasn’t ready? Does that mean that this is destined to fail? I just haven’t moved on with everything yet. I do not regret breaking up with him. I just regret the way it happened. I regret how I acted once it was over. I regret my decisions a lot. I am so sorry to all the people I hurt along the way. It apparently was something that I had to go through, I do not understand why or what the reasoning was but it did make me want to change some of my beliefs about life and myself. I learned a lot. I got hurt. I got back up. Now, I never fully stopped and thought about what happened which is probably something that I will eventually have to do. In this moment, I am trying to forget and block everything out. I know that one day (probably the near future) something will trigger it and I will be faced with no option but to deal with it. And, I will… when I have to.
It does hurt to know that I hurt someone who loved me for so long, someone I thought I could love forever. Yet, I was hurt, too. Every breakup tore a little piece of my heart until there wasn’t much left. I kept putting up with it. Kept going back. Kept allowing things to remain unchanged. Maybe it wasn’t really love. Maybe he never loved me. We were both so broken that maybe we just found solace in each other. Whatever it was, it was good for awhile. But, once it went bad–once I lost sight of who I was–it should have ended. Well, it did. But, I was afraid of being alone, so I took him back time and time again. I lost sight of me. I allowed my heart to be broken again and again. I took it. I gave up myself to his ideals because I thought that if only he were happy then everything would be okay again. What I should have realized was that if he wasn’t happy with me, there was nothing I could do to change that. I deserve more.
I deserve a man. A man who loves me for who I am. A man who doesn’t try to change me into his perfect woman–I should already be good enough. A man who will talk to me instead of yelling or storming out. A man who protects me. A man who makes me feel safe and secure. A man who cares about me regardless of whether or not he is with me. A man who is my best friend.
It took me 22 years to find a man like this. Now, I’m just waiting to wake up from the dream.
It’s got to be a dream…
